Category Archives: college

How to raise a great kid – HANDS OFF!

Posted on by

2

I had a super stressful dream last night. Not my typical, “I forgot to wear pants to the grocery store” dream. This was new and I woke up sweating.

I dreamt that I was having trouble with my college essays and not sure if I would get my applications done on time. I could read into it, but I think it’s pretty clear what my subconscious was trying to tell me — it’s time to relax and go back to HANDS OFF parenting Anna.

The truth is I’m usually a pretty hands off parent with Anna. Not to say that I don’t grill her after every party and open her report cards, but both Dan and I generally allow Anna to make most of her choices without too much guidance. Safety is (of course) important, but other than a curfew, she has very few rules (and even that is pretty negotiable).

It started when Jack got sick. Anna was only six years old and her family scattered. She went from having a father who was available every day to toss a ball with her after dinner and a mother who was always finding random excuses to show up at her school, to not knowing who would be home to tuck her in bed each night. She knew her family loved her, but she also knew that if she needed something, sometimes it was just easier to make it happen herself. Siblings of special needs kids have a perspective that their “typical” peers don’t.

Although I appreciate how fun it would be to helicopter around and watch everything Anna does while adding my two-cents, I just don’t have the time or the energy. If Jack needs me, it means he needs assistance with eating or needs his diaper changed. I can’t NOT do it. If Anna has a question about her homework, Google is faster than waiting outside of the bathroom door.

As IF I could help with her homework.

Don’t think that Anna’s not getting any attention from me. We talk and text throughout the day about everything from clothes to friends to our relationships with God. We have breakfast and dinner together (“breakfast” is her eating an Eggo waffle and me drinking coffee, but dinner is an actual meal that I have prepared). We are so close that we are starting to look like each other. When people see us together they call her “Mini-Me” and it’s not just that we look alike, our mannerisms and senses of humor are the same – it’s almost creepy.

We’re close – what I mean by HANDS OFF parenting is that I don’t micromanage her. I don’t watch over her constantly to make sure she is doing things just so. She needed to get her driving permit a couple of weeks ago and all I said was, “Great. Just ask around and tell me who to hire. I will make the first phone call, then it’s all you.”

When she was planning her course-load for junior year, instead of digging through all the choices, Dan and I just sat back and watched her come up with her perfect schedule. My only input was “I think I would prefer AP Art to AP Calculus, but if that’s your thing – have at it!”

We trust Anna because she has proven that she can be trusted. She is a great student and has a wonderful circle of friends. She makes good choices (mostly – she IS a teenager). She is kind to her brother and when I watch her interact with other people I am proud of who she is.

We’ve been so relaxed with Anna that I was surprised that Dan and I climbed on board the “college train” with such intensity. Looking through college books, long talks around the dinner table, planning trips to see schools. Perhaps it’s a distraction from NOT working on the project with Jack or maybe it’s just super fun because Anna has an impressive transcript —  And, maybe part of it is that Dan and I really, really, really want to go back to college ourselves;). But, I need to be careful. I’ve found myself checking Powerschool daily and questioning grades, looking at that giant book of colleges even when Anna isn’t home, thinking about essay topics and waiting anxiously for the next round of ACT scores. I’m getting dizzy with all the information and Anna is not appreciating the frantic input.

“Mom, you know I have this covered, right?”

Yes, I know you do baby girl. You have turned into a remarkable young woman and I know you will do amazing things. Mom will go back to HANDS OFF parenting. Just let me know when you need me.

And, when can we plan that trip to Virginia and North Carolina . . . and Boston – we need to go to Boston!dsc00726

Love, Jess

 

What’s NVRN spell? Nothing.

Posted on by

1

FullSizeRender-62

This is the smile that gets me through the hard stuff.

 

At my tennis lesson last week, I saw a young woman who looked familiar. She was a little older than Anna, and I was having trouble placing her. I went back to trying to focus on my forehand when it hit me, “Hey. Did you happen to go to Morrow Preschool?”

“Yes.”

Suddenly I could picture this slim young woman as a little girl a dozen years ago, with rosy cheeks and a glowing smile, playing with Jack on the playground at their preschool.

“You were in my son Jack’s class.”

“Wow. I’m not sure I remember him. Does he go to the high school?”

I sometimes freeze when I get hit with what’s happened. Maplewood is usually a safe place, where everyone knows our story. Where I don’t need to say things out loud. My stomach turned as I tried to choose my words so that we could simply go back to groundstrokes and drop shots, “No. Jack goes to a special school. His life’s kinda complicated.”

Now that we were both feeling awkward, I wished I hadn’t started this exchange and quickly looked for a transition. Her sweatshirt was bright and new with the name of her future, WESLEYAN, “You’re a senior this year? Heading off to Wesleyan in the fall? That’s wonderful.”

That’s all it took. Her smile grew, as she went from wondering what happened to her old classmate, to thinking about the adventures that lay ahead. We were both allowed to continue with our lesson, focusing on easier things than how complicated life can be.

When I got home from the lesson, I went into Jack’s room to say goodnight. He was sitting up in bed, and as soon as I walked in the door, he gave me a big smile as if he’d been waiting for me to tuck him in. I gave him a kiss on his forehead and laid him back down. As I covered him up, I realized he was wearing the bright purple NORTHWESTERN sweatshirt that we’d gotten him last year while visiting my parent’s alma mater.

The sweatshirt is missing all but 3 1/2 of it’s letters. Jack has somehow managed to eat the rest. He has eaten the O,R,T,H, most of the W, E, S, T, and E.

I can’t make this stuff up. It is a college sweatshirt that’s missing the college.

Love, Jess

IMG_4875

The “C” word.

Posted on by

6

sdtcollege

Lately we’ve been reminding our daughter, Anna, to leave all her doors open as she approaches adulthood. Strong grades, long lasting relationships, healthy habits — these are the things that can keep those doors open, leaving her with as many opportunities as possible. Jack had most of his doors shut before his ninth birthday. These lost opportunities have been huge focus for me the last couple of weeks.

Jack’s smile is usually enough to melt any feelings of sadness or frustration over what Adrenoleukodystophy (ALD) has done to our family. Jealousy seems to be harder to dissolve. Jealousy is the latest emotion in my journey toward acceptance.

When Jack was first diagnosed, we were thrown a pile of statistics and quickly learned how lethal ALD can be. The more advanced the disease at diagnosis, the worse the outcome. Loss of speech, vision, and hearing are almost expected and mobility is the next to go. All these possibilities seemed manageable as long as we didn’t lose our boy. And, we didn’t – we brought Jack home 79 days after his transplant and he managed to walk from our dented silver minivan to our front door. He was able to see the “Welcome Home” signs filling the front yard and hear the cheers of his friends as he arrived. We were lucky and I swore I’d never complain.

I’ve kept my promise — mostly. Dan, my mother, and my best friends know the ugly truth that I’m not always the picture of acceptance and joy. I do have my moments of anger and resentment and do sometimes yell, “Why the $%^& did this happen to us?!?!?!” Usually these moments are brief and can be calmed with a glass of wine or a strong hug. And, until recently, they’ve been sporadically sprinkled over an otherwise positive mood.

Lately, I’ve noticed a reoccurring knot in my stomach and a hard lump in my throat. Sometimes it’s followed by the need to leave a conversation quickly, and the want for a long walk or time alone in my room. It took a while to identify this feeling as jealousy and to figure out what was triggering it. After some soul searching, I’ve discovered the source of my uneasiness — college.

College is suddenly the topic of choice in our middle age, suburban circle. Jack’s peers are starting to prepare for their next chapter and they’re doing it without him. They’re visiting schools, planning their futures, and soon they’ll be heading off to their next adventure. All while Jack will be here with us in Maplewood (forever the dependent child). I’m jealous that our boy is faced with so many closed doors,  is not working on his college portfolio AND that Dan and I are not planning our empty-nest phase.

Typical Jesse, I keep finding myself knee deep in these conversations, as if the outcome is going to miraculously change. That it won’t bring me back to Jack and his lack of need for SAT prep and college essays. It’s ripping open the scab that I thought had fully healed, but I keep on asking the questions, “Where are you applying?” “Are you thinking a big state school or something smaller?” “How’s your SAT prep going? Have you found a good tutor?”. The truth is that I want to know. These are kids that I love and I am excited about all of their opportunities. I want to know every detail of their process. It’s also a way for me to prepare for Anna’s next steps as a student (writing those words brings that lump back).

So – when will I get over this latest bout of jealousy/anxiety? Sometimes writing it down helps me reach the end more quickly. Somehow it takes a little of the poison out of the situation. And, I know that acknowledging the problem is always a good first step.

Our local friends/neighbors are now going to panic that they need to steer clear of the “C” word for my benefit. Actually, I think it’s better if they do the opposite. The more I hear the word “college” the better. I need to get passed this or the next few years are going to be miserable!!
Love, Jess