Category Archives: friends

The Back Nine

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He's a Keeper

Patient support materials you may see in the future . . . I was told to say that. I prefer the caption “Love and laughter make 50 easy”

At 9:30 last night my brother, Pablo, sent me a text, “In 2.5 hours you will officially be in the back nine. Well played, Girl.” Then I received my first Facebook birthday wish from an ALD friend who lives in Australia.

I went to bed next to my husband of nearly 25 years and woke up to the sound of the two dogs marching around our bedroom (their nails make a click, click, click at day break) and Dan muttering, “F*cking dogs”. I fell back asleep for another hour until that same mouth that had cursed at the dogs gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead, “Happy Birthday Luvo”.

I poured myself out of bed around 7:00 am to start my morning routine —  a busy hour of bathing, brushing, dressing and laundry. Jack’s sweet smile let me know that he knew that today was a special day and peeing in the toilet was his version of a perfect birthday gift. By the time we were done with the first half of our routine and made our way into the kitchen, there was a birthday message from Anna, “Gotta run take an exam, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMO! I’ll call as soon as I’m done”.

The rest of the day included a long walk, a beautiful lunch with two and a half of my best friends (one was on Facetime), teaching art to kindergarteners who think I’m turning “some sort of grandma age”, and I just ordered sushi for dinner with my boys (Anna will join us on Facetime). I also have enjoyed countless phone calls, emails, texts and silly Facebook birthday wishes.

I’m not entirely sure how I imagined myself at 50 when I was young, but it definitely didn’t look like this. I’m guessing I pictured a bit more maturity and certainly wouldn’t have guessed that I would be excited by my 21-year-old’s toileting skills, but here I am and honestly, I wouldn’t trade my life.

My family – both immediate and extended, my friends, our community, our dogs (even with their annoying morning clicks), our quirky new house, — I am beyond grateful for everything and everyone in my life as I start the back nine.

Thanks for all the birthday love. 

Love, Jess

If I had the power to change certain things, of corse I would. I wish we’d never heard of ALD and that Jack’s life had taken a different path. But I can’t, so I embrace what I have and what I have is amazing.

50

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Next month I’m turning 50. I’ve always loved my birthday. For me birthdays are a reminder to reflect on the previous year, an excuse to celebrate the future and … I love presents (honestly, I LOVE PRESENTS). I didn’t just revel in celebrating 10 and 17 and 21, I embraced 25 and 30 and 40, but this birthday feels a little different. It’s 50. 50 sounds so grown-up. 

Shouldn’t I be more responsible? Shouldn’t I know more? Shouldn’t I be able to complete at least the Monday New York Times crossword puzzle? Shouldn’t I have learned to switch to water after the second glass of wine?

Like many of my friends reaching this milestone, I’m finding myself thinking about what I’ve accomplished in the last 5 decades and what I see shaping up for the next half of my life (I could make it to 100).

Overall, I’m fairly pleased with my accomplishments thus far. No fortunes made or much notoriety, but I have plenty that I’m proud of. I survived school (which was tough for me) receiving a bachelor’s and even a master’s degree. I married the love of my life, and with him survived more ups and downs than most couples. I’ve had careers as a photographer, a teacher, a writer and even gotten away with being a nurse when needed. I’ve had three books published (you thought Smiles and Duct Tape was the only one? There’s also Squeeze and Jack and the Pumpkin). I’ve managed to always surround myself with incredible people, who seem to enjoy my company and hold me up when I’m falling. And, I’ve raised two remarkable children – by far, my proudest accomplishment.

Of corse there are things that I regret. I wish that I had learned more languages (at least not lost my first language – Spanish). I wish I had traveled more and not given up on my photography. I wish I invested in Amazon and Apple early on. I wish I had always treated people the way I wanted to be treated. I wish I had learned to always think before I spoke. I wish I had taken more videos of the kids growing up. I wish I had learned how to play the guitar, knit, and sail. . I wish I had pushed for an MRI for Jack, just a few months earlier . . . 

There are things I would change if I could, but for the things I’ve had power over – I’m (mostly) proud. It’s the next half of my life that has me stumped. Dan and I will not have the empty nest that many of our peers are experiencing, but things are quieting down a bit. I’ve been thinking of going back to school to start another career, but am wondering if 50 is too old to start something fresh. I’ve been working further on a few book ideas that have been torturing me from my sleep. I’ve even been thinking about starting a program for adults with special needs – if we can’t find it, we may NEED to build it. All sound ideas, but I’m waiting for that kick in the ass that has always found me when I’ve needed it.

Until then, I am going to busy myself by searching the internet for “good careers for people of a certain age” and “appropriate haircuts for 50-year-old women”. I will also continue to work on finding the perfect adult placement for our boy and maybe sign up for some guitar lessons.

Love, Jess

I will also work on remembering to switch to water after the second glass of wine. No promises.

 

Our Thanksgiving Chime

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The calm before the storm

We have an alarm that sounds every time the front door opens — a two-note chime. It’s usually followed by Finn (bad dog) barking loudly and racing to see who’s arrived and how long he can get away with jumping all over them. Last week, the constant chime exhausted poor Finn so that by Wednesday, all he could manage was to lift his head off the couch for a second to see who’d walked in the door before returning to his nap. 

At the beginning of the week, I too would race to see who’d arrived so that I could give them some love and offer them a snack or something to drink. After a couple of days, I figured everyone knew that I loved them and how to walk to the kitchen.

Anna was home for Thanksgiving (THANKS GOODNESS) and our dear friends – the Mackays – joined us for the holiday week. An extra five people and a dog, adding some noise to our “far too quiet since Anna left for college” house.

We invited another ten people and two dogs for Thanksgiving Day. Nineteen humans, five dogs, two turkeys (one fried), six pies, two stuffings, bourbon sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, green beans, salad, cranberry sauce, and more wine then our poor recycling cans could manage. Crazy, delicious, fun AND constant door chimes.

We said goodbye after Thanksgiving dinner to ten guests and two dogs, but added two more people on Friday (my best friend from college, Enger, and Katie Mackays roommate, Hanna). I feared we’d not have the energy to entertain them, but we managed. We even threw in a little party on Saturday night to round off the week!

The front door kept on chiming.

Yesterday we woke up and everyone did their part cleaning up the house, stripping beds and starting the laundry. Then, one by one everyone headed out – back to college, work, reality. I usually love the quiet after the storm of a holiday, but everything was so perfect last week, that I really didn’t want it to end.

I’ve been stressing lately about some things, but when it comes down to it, our lives are wonderful. Our friends, our family – they’re really all that matters. I can’t wait for the holidays to continue. We need some time with the Torrey side – and our door needs to go back to chiming!!

Love, Jess

PS Anna comes home in 17 days and the Mackays promised to come for New Years!!!!

 

happy birthday JackO!!

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What were you doing in your life when you turned 20?

I was living in Baltimore – a junior at Goucher College, studying art. I was trying to balance keeping up with my studies while enjoying every ounce of social time that I could. Dan was a student at Johns Hopkins and studying in Florence for the year. He was learning a new language and traveling throughout Europe with a very thin wallet and a EuroRail Pass.

When we started our family and I would dare to think about the future, like most parents, I imagined our children following a similar path to what Dan and I took. I didn’t think of if Jack and Anna would go to college, but where they would go. Whether they would study art or a language or the law. I hoped they would make good choices and stay out of too much trouble.

Having a special child, you need to learn how to shift your expectations and letting go of the college dream for Jack is something I did long ago, but with each birthday I’d be lying if I said I didn’t pause for a moment and think if only . . .

Instead of college, Jack greeted his 20th birthday still attending his high school and living at home. He requires assistance with everything from eating to showering to getting dressed to toileting to getting into bed. It’s not the life I ever imagined for our son, but as I celebrated his 20th birthday with him, all I kept thinking was how happy he is.

Jack partied all weekend long! Pool time with his buddies Peter and Orla, a party on our deck with close friends, and he even got to spend time with his oldest friend, Caleb. Today the party continued as he celebrated with his buddies at school. As I watched him enjoy all the attention, I realized there’s no need for if only just WOW! What a great life our boy is living!

Life at 20 can vary. It’s that age that straddles the end of childhood and beginning of adulthood. One thing that most people have in common at that age is that everything seems possible. Jack’s life is different than most, but I still believe that anything is possible. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKO!!

Love, Jess

a table full of girls

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Over the weekend we attended another graduation party celebrating a dear friend of Anna. They’ve known each other since they were tiny, and she has spent so much time with our family, that I consider her to be another daughter. Dan loves her too and Jack would think of her as a sister, if he didn’t have such a massive crush on her.

She’s not alone. Jack has crushes on all of Anna’s girlfriends. And these girls are wonderful to our boy. When they come to our house, the first thing they do when they walk in our door is ask, “Where’s Jack?” and then seek him out to give him a smooch. Some days I find Jack in the middle of the sofa surrounded by beautiful teenage girls watching Gilmore Girls or lose track of him to discover that he’s made his way up to Anna’s room to listen to some girlie gossip.

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Jack and some of the gals a few years ago.

Most of Anna’s circle of friends she’s known since diaper days. They knew Anna when she was a chubby little girl with a crooked smile. They knew our first house over on Jefferson Avenue and they knew Dan and I before we had gray hair. These kids also knew our family before ALD came screeching into our lives. They knew Jack when he was just a year ahead of them in school, loved to ride his bike and was one of the MCs in the school talent show (the only video we have where we can hear him speaking . . . ).

I realized while watching the girls at the party that I’m not just saying goodbye to Anna as she heads out to college — I’m saying goodbye to her buddies too. And, so is Jack.

I know Anna will find a wonderful new cluster of friends at college. She has good taste in friends and seems to always be surrounded by a funny, smart, kind assortment of people. I’m sure she will share a lot about her family with these new friends. About her loud Dad who graduated from Hopkins and loves history, music, lacrosse and the Yankees. She will undoubtedly share stories of her mother who insists on family dinners, needs constant help with wardrobe advice and spelling, and drinks a little more white wine than she should. And, I’m sure Anna’s new friends will hear a ton about her brother – the person who she adores more than anyone on the planet. They will hear what happened when Anna was only six-years-old and how it shaped so much of who she is now and what she longs to do with her life. Her new friends will see pictures of all of us and maybe even meet us over the next few years, but they will never know the whole story. They will never really know Jack the way that Anna’s childhood friends do.

I know that some of the relationships Anna has with her childhood crew will ebb and flow for a while. They are scattering all over the US for the next four years. It will be hard, but I really hope that they all make an effort to meet up again whenever they can. I’m lucky to still be close with a few of my childhood friends and it’s amazing how they know me on a level that newer friends just can’t reach. There’s something magical about childhood friends.

The graduation party was wonderful — good food, some white wine for me, and a lot of familiar faces. As I sat inside to escape the heat, I watched Jack through a large picture window. He was sitting next to Anna at a table full of some of his favorite girls. He had a grin from ear to ear. I know there will be more parties and tables full of these girls, but they will be a further apart now that many of the kids are heading off. I want to make sure that I savor them while I can and make sure JackO gets to enjoy as much girl time as possible before the summer comes to a close.

Love, Jess

Day +4003 (not a great day)

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Day +4004 . . .

4004 days since Jack’s transplant. Almost 11 years. Over half of Jack’s life.

Our family lives our lives marking everything with before or after ALD barged into our world. Don’t read that last sentence and feel sorry for us. Most days after ALD are just fine, and many days after have been wonderful.

We’ve created lives that work – thanks to smiles and our duct tape. We have our Anna’s sweet disposition and busy schedule keeping us on our toes and filling our dinner-time with stories. And, we have Jack’s mood that sets the tone for everything we do. Sometimes I feel like I float between two worlds. Attending an IEP meeting in the morning where we discuss things like “teeth brushing” and “using a fork” as long-term goals and then head off to watch Anna run down a lacrosse field effortlessly to score several goals. Most days I go back and forth seamlessly, enjoying each of my children and their lives.

Yesterday was NOT one of those days.

Yesterday started shitty. I won’t go into too much detail, but just imagine cleaning up a nineteen-year-old and his bed after what I’m assuming was a mexican lunch the day before. I was scrambling to get through that mess, when I noticed that dear Anna had managed to switch the laundry the night before WITHOUT switching anything that did not belong to her. This was followed by a lot of yelling up to her bedroom (those stairs are too steep for me), “This is not a hotel!! You need to do your part around here! You are NOT in college yet young lady!”.

I was already fuming as Jack and I then went through the rest of our morning routine as quickly as possible so that we could head off to the Social Security Administration. It seems that we had been “randomly been selected” to come in for a follow-up interview to determine if Jack still qualifies for Social Security. This was our fifth visit and third time being “randomly selected” in less than two years.

 

three hours in.

Flash forward five hours —— I was crying uncontrollably to the young woman across the plexi-glass, “How many times do I need to tell you guys that my son is disabled? We have countless letters from doctors and teachers. He is not going to get better! He will never have a job. Never! His disease has stolen any hope of a normal life where he can work and live independently and support himself.”

I wasn’t finished, “There might be people in that waiting-room over there that are trying to take advantage of the system. I assure you that Jack is NOT one of them! Wanna look up ALD on Google? Wanna spend a day with Jack and tell me that there’s a chance of him NOT qualifying for Social Security? Why are you wasting your time and tax dollars on cases like ours?” and “No – our address hasn’t changed. No – our phone number hasn’t changed. No – Jack does not have any new pay-stubs to share with you. Why the hell couldn’t we have answered these questions over the phone? WHAT the hell is wrong with you people?!?”

After my rant, she apologized, but all I could do was help Jack off his seat, grab the paperwork (where she’d added her direct number “just in case we get another letter”) and walked out the door without a word.

I drove home yelling at the world and then laughing with Jack who I could see in the rearview mirror making funny faces at me. The wait, the questions – none of that seemed to bother our boy, but his crazy mother he sure found hysterical.

I realized half way home that I’d forgotten that I was teaching an art class at 2:30. It was 2:00 and we hadn’t eaten since breakfast (Social Secuirty rules include: no eating, no drinking, no phone calls, and go to the bathroom at your own risk – you miss your number? too bad). I called my boss and explained that I would be late and I would be bringing a special guest to my class.

I usually love the opportunity to introduce Jack to children, but I was running so late that I was too worried about finishing our project to do much of an introduction. My kindergardeners kept looking up from their Blue Dog inspired paintings to check out Jack and ask things like, “If he can’t speak how do you know what he wants for dinner?” and “What’s with those funny leg things he’s wearing?” and “Why is he trying to eat the craypas?”

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I did my best to answer their questions with a lite, age appropriate spin, but at one point I got so distracted that I rammed my toe against a table. It was like The Powers that Be were having a lot of fun torturing me. I’ve never been happier to see parents arrive for pick-up.

Our last event of the day was Anna’s lacrosse game. Swinging back to a fun event seemed like a great idea, but after ten minutes of watching the Cougars, a storm rolled in and we needed to run (Jack hopped) to the car to drive home in the wicked weather. Jack and I walked into the house drenched.

I went through the motions of dinner, bath, bed, just wanting the day to be over. I was starting to breathe again, even laughing with Dan and Anna about the events of the day, but the crappy day was not quite over.

As I got into bed, I felt a sharp pain. My toenail had fallen off.

Love, Jess

Today is a much better day. No sad looks if you see me at the grocery store. I promise I am back to being cheery mom/wife/friend/teacher/writer. Day 4003 stunk, but most days after ALD are just fine. 4004 days and counting!!

 

 

a ski weekend, the Jack Pack, and next year

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Just getting back from a ski weekend in Vermont with friends. Over the years we’ve done a lot of these weekends. We rent a house with a few families. Most everyone skis, but there are always a couple of people who linger with me and Jack. Our days are filled with quieter activities, but we always manage to have fun.

Each morning the house scrambles to life as the kids all frantically run around searching for their gear while the parents try to get some breakfast into everyone and make the lunches for the mountain. Depending on how late the previous night’s festivities went, the skiing crew heads out the door between 9:00 am and 10:00 am — then the house falls silent. That’s when the non-skiing crew makes a plan.

This trip included an awesome hike, a three hour/10,000 calorie lunch, an adventure to visit my oldest friend and her daughter AND a whole lot of girl talk – the rest of non-skiiers were ladies (sorry Jack). Jack is accustom to hanging with the ladies, and knows more than his share about the local gossip and just how many Weight Watchers points are in a margarita, but he always knows that by the end of the day he will be reunited with his peers. They will all walk in the door and, without missing a beat, find JackO to greet him and fill him with stories from their day’s escapades. Anna is always the leader of the Jack Pack – the best sister on the planet.

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But what about next year?

THAT’S the question that seems to fill my mind constantly these days. We just had an amazing weekend in a beautiful log cabin in Vermont — enjoying friends and the landscape and late nights singing along with music from our high school years (sorry I am not allowed to post any activities that took place after 9:00 pm). A perfect weekend and my biggest take-away is — What about next year?!?

Anna will be starting her second semester of college by February next year. Will Dan, Jack and I still head up to a mountain for a long winter weekend? What will it be like to travel with Jack as the only Torrey kid? Is it worth trying to continue these annual traditions or is it better to start new ones?

I know what you’re thinking — Anna isn’t moving away permanently. She’s going to college. College kids are home as much as they are gone AND she is only going to be 180.6 miles away. There will be many more family trips.

BUT, it is going to be different once she heads off to Baltimore. Her priorities will be — should be — on her life, on her future. It will be the beginning of her life as an adult and the beginning of our nest changing – again. The house is going to be so quiet when she isn’t around. Who is going to remind us what Jack should be wearing and listening too? Who is going to protect Jack from the endless hours in front of Bravo (with me) and PBS (with Dan)?

We will figure it out. Anna will only be a phone call away with her fashion advice and Dan and I will learn to control our TV habits (we know how to find TruTV). And, as far as the ski trip goes — we can go earlier in the winter if a ski trip is a “must do” Torrey activity. We can also forgo skiing altogether and go down to Baltimore and eat some crabs with Anna.

THIS is the real issue. THIS seems to be my go-to solution to all “my nest is changing” worries. Sorry Anna.

Love, Mom

 

 

back and forth and back and forth

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I survived my 30th high school reunion.

I’d been a little nervous about going, but the anxiety spilled away as soon as the festivities began. It started Friday afternoon with some of my oldest/bestest friends coming over for dinner. Getting to really catch up with this group of ladies was magic – as if the last 30 years never happened. I’m blessed with wonderful friends from every stage of my life, but I grew up with this crew. They feel more like family than friends. There’s something amazing about being with people who really knew you as a kid — knew your parents and siblings well, knew what your childhood home looked like, when you learned to ride your bike, when you got your first bra, when you had your first heartbreak, what you got on your SATS (don’t ask). We sat around the dinner table and talked and talked and talked.

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Lots of stories, laughs and glasses of wine later, we decided it was a genius idea to head from my house to our hometown to meet up with some of our old classmates. It’s been a while since I left my house at 11:00 pm to go out, but we were up for the adventure (and Uber go us there safely). Crazy to walk into a room full of high school friends and memories. Everyone dove right in sharing stories and people looked great. A few more gray hairs, but overall the Summit High School Class of 1987 is doing amazing — especially considering we’re all creeping towards the big 5 0.

The next day was more of the same. I went back and forth and back and forth between my family and reliving high school. I got a lot of quiet time with my close friends and crazy time with our graduating class. It was incredible getting to see so many people— hear so many stories.

I did get a little overwhelmed with a few conversations about our family. People who have followed Jack’s journey, but haven’t seen me in a while, seemed to be under the impression that I’m stronger than I am. Although I loved the support, it made me uncomfortable, so I did my best to break the spell. Two days and nights of acting like a teenager, and I think I proved that I really haven’t changed much from the Jesse Cappello from back in the day (for better or worse). I also did a whole lot of saying, “Jack is doing great! His life is complicated, but I promise he’s super happy! I’m doing great too! The whole family is great – super great!”

It was two VERY long days/nights – that’s all I could come up with.

It was an exhausting/incredible/crazy/fun weekend, and saying goodbye to my old friends on Sunday was tough — I really didn’t want the festivities to end. I brought Jack with me for my last round of back and forth. His smile always makes things a little easier. I also loved that my old friends got to spend some time with Jack this weekend and with Dan and Anna too (although Anna was kinda busy – we were pretending to be teenagers, but she’s an actual teenager). Being able to share my life with old friends was priceless, and I loved hearing about their lives – everyone has a story. We all walked away promising we would do it again soon. No need to wait for the 40th.

I spent the weekend going back and forth from pretending to be 18 to the reality of what 47 looks like for me. I grew up in Summit, NJ — only five miles from Maplewood, but it felt like a distance as I went back and forth all weekend. The towns are quite different and my life is too. Luckily, Dan eased the pain for me (my hero) and took the brunt of the weekend responsibilities, but there are always reminders that our lives are a little quirky. Warning friends not to sit on the “pee couch”, being a little late for the party because of a poop (not my own), having friends notice that, while I seem quite savvy at drinking, my son requires a tube in his belly to get hydrated.

BUT DON’T WORRY — Life is great. Jack is doing great! His life is complicated, but I promise he’s super happy! I’m doing great too! The whole family is great – super great!!

 

Love, Jess

 

Summit High School Class of 1987 – It was unreal seeing so many of you! I’m thinking we should make a “31st High School Reunion” a thing. And, we need to get the rest of the class there!!

 

music and memories

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Dan and I have never allowed our kids to choose the music. Not in the house and definitely not in the car. We don’t have the patience for what “kids these days” listen to and we love our own music too much. When Dan and I first started dating, there were arguments over James Taylor vs Jimi Hendrix (I love him, but not for lounging out) and Simon and Garfunkel vs Rush (Dan will NEVER win that argument), but we settled into a groove quickly and found that there is plenty of music we both love. Jack and Anna have grown up with the Dead and Son Volt and Steely Dan and REM and Elvis Costello and Joe Jackson and Tom Petty and Bob Dylan and and and and. Even now that the kids are older (and Jack is Jack), if you peek in our windows after dinner some nights, you might find us all dancing in the kitchen.

Music is part of our duct tape.

They say that smell is the sense that is most closely linked to memory, but there is something primal that happens when you hear a song that you love. Tangled Up in Blue and Forever Young make me stop what I’m doing and sing out loud (sorry) and I’ve found myself sitting in grocery store parking lots more than once with tears running down my face because of a song on the radio – Beautiful Boy gets me every time. Then there are the songs that remind you of a time in your life – American Pie while I played with my dolls in the basement on Mountain Avenue next to my mother on her sawing machine, Free Bird at my first middle school dance, Me and Bobby McGee blaring from the jukebox at Long John’s Bar during my college years, Hey Ya as life saving stem cells went into my son’s veins in 2007.

As a teenager, my friends and I would make each other mixed tapes with our favorite music. We would send them to each other when we were in college – better than brownies. And, a mixed tape from a guy was way better than flowers or jewelry. It said so much about who they were and what they thought of you. I still have a pile of tapes in my box of memories. I’ll never part with them.

Dan’s love of music is fierce. His album collection is his most prized possession. A few years ago I made four large wall hangings – each with 15 of his favorite album covers. My plan was to hang them in his office, but they quickly found their way downstairs. We like to be surrounded by music.

Jack and Anna are a little older now and have their opinions. Jack found One Direction on his own, and if you play him just a second of one of their songs, he will shoot out of his seat and jump up and down. And, Anna’s room is always loud with music and some of it is lame, but I’m happy to report that much of it is familiar.

Anna got her driver’s license last month and we gave her Dan’s old car. She’s made it her own with new bumpers stickers and snacks in the glovebox. She also changed the radio stations. I can’t say that I approve of all of them, but I noticed last week that Tom Petty Radio was saved on channel one. All I could think was that we’d had done a pretty good job raising her.

This week has been horrific. My heart goes out to all the families/friends of those who lived through the horror and those who died in Las Vegas Sunday night (when is this going to end folks?). Mexico, Puerto Rico, Las Vegas — Watching the news has become so difficult the last few days, that I find myself avoiding television and leaning on music for entertainment. And, music isn’t safe either.

We’ve lost a lot of legends the last year. Just to name a few: Prince, George Michael, Glenn Frey, David Bowie, Gregg Allman, and now – Tom Petty. Anna was the first person I called when I heard the news that he had died. I heard Petty coming from her room last night as I went to bed and I played a lot of his music yesterday. Many of his songs hold some wonderful memories.

That high school reunion I talked about a couple of weeks ago is this weekend. I forgot to lose the five pounds and don’t really have the perfect outfit, but I am looking forward to it. I think seeing some old friends, laughing about old times and listening to good music sounds pretty darn awesome.

Love, Jess

“It’s sort of hope amongst the ruins, I think. To me we’re all in the great wide open. I think life is pretty wild; I really want to like the world, but at the same time I have to write about what I see.” (Tom Petty 1991)

 

 

30 years later

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My 30th High School reunion is coming up and I’ve been a little nervous about going. As I watch the stream of old photos get posted on the SHS Reunion Facebook page, I can’t help but be apprehensive. I keep looking at the photos thinking about who I was thirty years ago, who I am now, and where I thought I would be.

I’m guessing/hoping that I’m not alone.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of who I was during my high school years, it’s just that I am not particularly proud. I never felt like I had a real “roll”. I did have a group of amazing girlfriends (many still close friends), but I never felt like a star student or a dedicated athlete or a talented artist — and that was one of the few things I was kinda good at. I was a solid C+ across the board.

Maybe no one really felt completely confident in high school. Maybe everyone cringes when they think of themselves as a teenager. But, when I look at the old pictures being posted on Facebook, there are a few faces that not only always looked happy with who they were, but they seemed to own the room. I look at the pictures of me and, maybe to the untrained eye you can’t see the insecurity in my 16 year-old smile, but it screams out to me now.

And, it’s not just who I was in high school that has me uncomfortable about this reunion, it’s who I am now. At our 20th reunion Jack was just out of the hospital following his stem cell transplant. That reunion was a blur (and not just because of the wine). I didn’t know what to say when people asked what I was doing with my life.

“Married, two kids, live in Maplewood, still work on my photography. Oh, and my son has a disease called Adrenoleukodystrophy. He just got out of the hospital where we’ve been living for two and a half months. I know how to change a g-tube and hook up an IV.”

Trust me – I got a lot of awkward hugs that night.

Today, I’m more comfortable in my new life and know how to share answers to “What are you up to these days?” in a way that makes people comfortable. Or, as comfortable as you can make them (sometimes it backfires – stories about a 19 year-old’s potty habits aren’t always a hit). Even with my new found confidence, I’m nervous about walking into a room full of people with memories of teenage Jesse Cappello and questions about middle-age Jesse Torrey.

 

I know some of my old friends are feeling the same way. Facing a room full of your childhood can be intimidating. It’s not just that you worry about how people will react to who you were in high school and who you are now, but it can get you thinking about who you thought you would be thirty years later – what your story would be. Things as shallow as what you would look like and what you would drive and things far deeper like what you would have accomplished and what you would have done to better yourself/others/the world.

Reunions have us all looking in the mirror, but maybe that’s a good thing. Everyone has a story. Perhaps it’s good for all of us to go back sometimes and evaluate who we were and who we’ve become, even if it means we need to swallow hard along the way.

So, I’m going to the reunion. I hope I come back with no regrets. Grateful for spending time with old friends and having relived some old memories. Maybe even have made some new ones.

Love, Jess

I have a hair appointment scheduled for next week. I may not have the best answers to “What’s going on with you these days?”, but at least I can cover the gray.

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