CHANGE

Dan and I are usually on the same page about things. Or, maybe not the same page, but at least on the same chapter. I think that’s how we’ve managed to hold things together for the last 25 years. We want the same things out of life. We treasure our family and friends and value experiences over things (although we like some of our things too). We’ve agreed on how and where we wanted to raise our kids and, when Jack got sick, we never fought about how we wanted to face those challenges. If you’ve ever made life and death decisions when it comes to your children, you know this is huge.

 

One thing where we differ completely is how we face CHANGE. Dan waits until the CHANGE is upon us and then calmly adapts and sometimes even politely welcomes it to the family. I frantically tear apart every side of of any pending CHANGE for months — thinking that if I fully understand every inch of it, I will somehow not give it any power. I know this sounds crazy, but I even consider the worst case scenario and visualize what it would feel like. I guess I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes the worst case scenario can happen.

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Crazy vs Calm

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the last six months. I’ve been spending a huge amount of time and energy focusing on all the CHANGES our family is facing – the biggest being Anna heading off to college. I’ve been picturing a painfully quiet house and the three of us non-college-bound Torreys spending all of our time just counting days between Anna visits.

My gephyrophobia (fear of bridges) was an unwelcome result of my growing anxiety. The good news is that it did encourage me to seek some outside help – books, meditation and a wonderful therapist who’s helped me more calmly face the CHANGES that are approaching and stop referring to myself using words like pathetic, weak, broken and nuts. A few weeks ago, I realized I was no longer waking up in the middle of the night or crying out of nowhere or not being able to cross a bridge without having a nervous breakdown.

Huge relief.

We’re now six weeks away from Anna heading off to college. We’ve gotten through prom and graduation and even Beach Week (Anna and her pals at the beach with nothing but their phones linking them to their parents — THAT was not an easy thing for this parent). Anna and I have been busy choosing first semester classes and important things like duvet covers and under-bed storage. Every time we start a new project I take a deep breath and remind myself that this is a big step, but Anna is ready. We are all ready.

I’ve got to say – there hasn’t been nearly the amount of tears that I had expected. I think Anna was even a little surprised that I managed an entire trip to Bed and Bath without so much as a quiet, “Please don’t goooooooooo!”

I know It’s going to be hard. Getting back into the car next month after dropping off Anna, with just our beautiful boy in the backseat, is going to feel strange. I’m sure I will go through my share of tissues for a while, but when I think about drop off now, mostly I’m so darn excited for our girl as she marches towards her dreams.

Now that I feel better, my focus is on Dan. I’m grateful that he doesn’t share my approach to facing CHANGE. I can’t imagine what it would be like if the two of us were freaking out for the last six months, but I hope he’s ready for all this. Is he prepared for his Jeopardy partner to be 200 miles away? Is he okay with watching sports with Jack and I barley pretending to be interested? What’s he going to do without live-in tech support?

Here I go. NOW I have something else to worry about. Dan. And then there is Jack . . .
My therapist will be happy to know she still has a loyal client.

Love, Jess