Category Archives: THISiswhatALDlookslike

The word AND and the word ONWARD

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This week has been a good reminder that life is often full of the word AND. You can be struggling AND be successful. You can be proud of someone AND disappointment in them. You can be full AND eat the entire pint of Ben and Jerrys. You can have joy in your life AND sorrow. 

Our lives are always filled with ANDs, but this week joy AND sorrow have collided in a way that’s been unsettling.

We’ve been hit with the loss of a dear friend that has us all feeling shattered. A friend from my childhood – more of a sister really. Someone who knew me before I was me. We were part of each other’s families – our histories. She had a way of making the world seem brighter. Dan loved her too and of course so did Jack and Anna because this beautiful person was one of those people that everyone loved.

We’d been bracing for her loss, but you can never really be ready to hear the news that the world has lost a human that you treasure. 

We got the call that she was gone as I was setting up for Jack’s birthday party. Jack turned 25 last weekend. Seemed inappropriate to be celebrating but how could we not? Jack is 25 and doing great and beat so many odds. So, we plastered on some smiles, went through the motions, and got through the party. I felt a little guilty at one point when I found myself laughing with his other mothers. 

Am I allowed to be happy when part of my heart is missing?

Today we have another occasion to celebrate. Anna has started medical school and has her white coat ceremony. We’re returning to Washington Heights where we lived that summer of 2007, but this time we’re going to start a new chapter as Anna works towards being Dr. Banana. Again, I’m feeling strange — almost guilty — trying on dresses and making dinner reservations, but what choice do I have?

Life isn’t fair and I can’t really appreciate that it makes sense in any way. But, I will deal with all the ANDs and keep on moving forward. My friend used the word ONWARD a lot this last year.

Nothing I’ve done this week has been without my friend at the top my mind. She was a beautiful person, but she also had a way of calling me on my billshit. The last time we spoke, she held my hand and we reminisced about our long history. I was a mess and she told me I needed to be strong and to remember her with a smile, not tears. I promised her I would, but it might take a little time.

ONWARD!

For now, I will feel sorrow AND joy. As I get ready to watch my daughter receive her white coat, I have tears in my eyes AND a smile on my face. I will wear something fabulous – my friend had impeccable taste and told me that I needed to break up with StichFix or “at least up your budget and go do some real shopping”. Today I will wipe away my tears and cheer on Banana as I sit with family, including my 25 year old son.

ONWARD!

Love you Friend. You are so missed and always will be. I’m trying to be strong but can’t promise there will not be tears — they are sneaking out without much notice. But, behind the tears there are so many wonderful memories and there will always be a smile when I think of you.

ONWARD!

Love, Jess

Photos will follow at a later date. I have limited energy dealing with the ANDs.

Where was I?

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Just coming down from a magical weekend full of time with Mymom and Anna, hanging with old friends, meeting superheroes, and listening to informative, brilliant, inspiring information. Where was I?

ALD Connect’s Annual Meeting and Patient Learning Academy!

When I was asked to speak at the conference, I was honored but intimidated. Being among so many people who are changing the direction of our disease, I wondered what I could contribute. “The Burdens of Caregiving” was the topic. After some discussion we added “and Joys”. THANK GOODNESS – I couldn’t imagine spending 30 minutes listing burdens!!

I included two other ALD stories – other phenotypes of our disease — so that I could share a broader picture of what caring for a loved one with ALD looks like. Thank you Miranda and Laurie for your honesty and perspective (two of my ALD superheroes). I ended the presentation with a little story that I thought I would share here.

Three weeks ago, I fell. Just out walking my dogs, enjoying the fall weather. I can’t tell you exactly what happened – or if my own ALD had something to do with it — but suddenly my feet got confused and I hit the ground, hard. I broke a rib and without any notice I wasn’t able to do any of the caregiving that has defined my life for the last 15 years.

Anna came up from Baltimore to help out. She had to get Jack up and ready for school which can be a bit of challenge. One morning I heard her get Jack out of bed and then I heard a few comments about a mess. I watched from the couch as she walked to the laundry room with a big pile of laundry. A few minutes later, she walked through again holding a bag that I could only assume was a very soiled diaper.

“I am so sorry you need to deal with that Bananz”

“No worries mom – Sometimes you’ve just gotta wash your hands and move on”

And that is just what she did. A minute later I heard her singing along with 70s on 7 while dancing with her brother in the bathroom.

I think it’s important for us caregivers to remember that there will be a lot of messes to clean up – a whole lot of burdens – but if we can learn how to wash our hands and move on, we have a chance of appreciating some of the joys of caregiving.

Thank you, Anna, for your words AND your attitude!!!

Love, Jess

tHaNkS Team Torrey!!!

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How many people does it take to care for our boy?

A lot.

Day 14 with a broken rib. Although I’m healing, I’m still not able to do much for Jack these days. Showering, changing, toileting, medicating, feeding – none of these things are particularly difficult, but there’s the Jack factor. Jack moves and grabs and hugs – it’s the hugs that scare me most – they’re magical, but I worry they could be dangerous!! 

Some samples of the (potentially dangerous) Jack HUG!!!!!

So, I haven’t been doing much other than watching bad tv, studying for the National Counselors Exam, and counting my blessings that Jack has an amazing team of people who have stepped up to help out.

Dan has taken on the brunt of the responsibilities, but he has a job. Anna is home now for a few days – yahoo (she had offered to come home sooner, but she had a cold – if you’ve ever broken a rib, you will understand that a cold is terrifying). Luckily, Jack also has an arsenal of other mothers, and they’ve been amazing! Maria, Monica, and Lilly have all been keeping Jack entertained, fed and clean. And, we have a new addition – Natalie. We’ve known Nat since she was a tiny thing. She’s one of Anna’s best friends and she’s now a nurse. She offered to bring her skills and hang with our boy as needed. Lucky Jack – lucky us!

So, I continue to sit, watch bad tv, study for the National Counselors Exam, and count my blessings.

Thanks everyone for being me! I look forward to being able to care for our boy again (and enjoy one of Jack’s magical/dangerous hugs), but it sure is nice to know that Jack has a team who is ready, willing and able to help!!!

Love, Jess

look what we just got!!!

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We’ve lived in SOMA (South Orange/Maplewood) for 25 years. We’ve owned three homes here, had two kids here, and raised 4 dogs here (some more successfully than others). We’ve celebrated many happy moments here and experienced our hardest days here. SOMA will always be our home.

There are many reasons to love our towns — the easy access to NYC, our charming villages filled with cute stores and excellent restaurants, schools that managed to educate our two very different children, South Mountain Reservation, and the people. The people of SOMA are what really make our community a treasure. 

We’re honored to be the cover family in this month’s SOMA Living Magazine. Thank you, Michael Goldberg, Karen Driggs, and Jamie Meier (www.livelovelens.shootproof.com), for putting this all together and sharing our family’s story. We wish Anna could have made it to the shoot, but we did FaceTime her. I wonder if this should be our holiday card this year🤪😂🥰

Love, Jess

If you live in SOMA, you should be receiving your copy of SOMA Living Magazine soon. If you live out of town, you can catch a glimpse here — http://somalivingmagazine.com/

two kids, incredible accomplishments and piles of pride

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Last night our family sat around the kitchen table finishing up Anna’s medical school applications. Anna had already done all the hard work – the essay was written, the recommendations were in, the impressive MCAT scores included, and her transcript (flawless grades, completed in just six semesters from Johns Hopkins) was posted. The only thing missing was the list of schools where the application was headed – and the credit card payment. She will hit send on Tuesday and then the waiting begins. 

Today we will go through Anna’s other project – a six-week journey through Europe. Dan, Jack, and I have heard bits and pieces of the plan, but once again, Anna has taken an idea and run with it. She and her friend are winding their way through Europe wanting to take in as many sites and bites as they can. They want to explore museums and the countryside and the people of as many countries as they can. That’s the thing about Anna, she isn’t one sided. She is brilliant and determined and curious and adventurous and funny and kind. She truly is the most amazing person I know.

Except for MAYBE Jack.

Jack has been Anna’s greatest cheerleader her entire life. Whether it was cheering (silently, but with gusto) from the bleachers at lacrosse games to watching her proudly as she got her diploma last weekend – Jack is always there and always her biggest fan. And, Anna is always there to celebrate Jack’s accomplishments – his graduations, his activities, his strength through medical hell. He is also Anna’s inspiration for all she does. 

The pride I have for these two is profound and I can’t wait to see where life leads them both. BUT today, I just want to sit around the pool, hear about Anna’s trip and watch Jack swim.

Life is good.

Love, Jess

Tomorrow is not just Memorial Day – it is Jack’s 15th Transplant BiRtHdAy!!!! If you have time today – can you send a picture or a video so that I can make Jack a little birthday card/video thing? jctorrey@mac.com

HaPpY 2022?!?!?!?!

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There are few things as depressing as taking down the Christmas tree. It literally screams – THE PARTY IS OVER!!!!!!!!

We had a great holiday season, but this year’s celebrations were tainted with a constant fear of being cancelled. We had piles of fun activities planned — family parties, visits with friends and plans to celebrate Anna’s graduation (YES – our Banana is done with school). Leading up to each event we’d scrambled to find a test, swipe our noses and pray — COVID was everywhere!! We were almost resigned to getting it (hoping that our boosters would do the trick). Good news is we managed to sneak in almost all our plans, and so far none of us got sick with anything (but perhaps a little bit of a hangover here and there).

Yesterday when I started taking down the holiday decorations, I thought about all the fun we had over the last few weeks and then heard Anna packing up and Dan starting our 11th load of laundry. 

Anna’s now back in Baltimore, Dan’s upstairs being loud about crypto currency, Jack is out with his other mother, Maria, and I’m sitting at my desk wondering how I’m going to work 20 hours a week as a counseling intern while going to school full time. I have the news on in the background and COVID is continuing to try to cripple the world, there are warnings about threats of violence on the anniversary of January 6th and someone just mentioned it might snow on Friday.

The party is indeed over!

I’m trying to remind myself that 2022 is going to be a great year. Anna starts her life as a grown-up while living/working in Baltimore and applying to medical school. Dan has his job that he loves and his Old School Vinyl Podcast. I will be finishing my master’s program and start my twentieth career as a counselor. And, Jack will continue being the happiest man on the planet☺️!

Here’s to a fantastic 2022! May it bring everyone joy, health 😷and happiness!! I promise I’m toasting with a simple glass of water 😉

Love, Jess

THIS was a holiday!!!!

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Last year we went to my parents’ house in Tuxedo Park for Thanksgiving. It was just the six of us humans and three dogs – Keegan was still with us. We had a great day, but it didn’t quite feel like a holiday. This year we filled our house. Torreys, Perrys, Cappellos, Palets – 21 people and 5 dogs!!! 

There was food in the oven, on the stove, on the grill — even in the toaster. We had mattresses everywhere and used a beer pong table as an extra table. We needed our extra fridge for food, so our patio was filled with beer, wine and soda. I kept encouraging people to go take a nice walk in the reservation while I got things ready, but then more people would wander into the kitchen. Dan played music a little too loud and we played dice until later than we should have.

THIS was a holiday!! I hope everyone else experienced some chaos yesterday and is enjoying some delicious leftovers today!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Love, Jess

Interesting = Funny

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Life with Jack is always interesting. If you see us out and about you might notice some quirky behavior. Watching a balding, 23-year-old dude being fed by his parents or how when Jack walks, he often takes a giant hop every few steps. His behavior is unusual enough that people sometimes pause before quickly looking away OR giving him a broad smile – we prefer the smile. It’s the stuff that happens without getting people’s attention that’s sometimes the most interesting. If you can learn to think of interesting as funny, it can make life much more manageable. Saturday was one of those days filled with interesting/funny.

We started the day with a beautiful hike in Rodman’s Hollow and then went off to The Oar to get some lunch. A two hour wait left us driving around trying to find an alternative. The Kittens had a line to the street and the Beach Head didn’t have any tables. Finally, we found a good spot where we’d never been with a table for three available. When we got to the table, I asked Dan if he could take Jack to the bathroom. Dan shook his head, “No need. He just went while we were waiting in line. Remind me that we need to wash his shoes when we get home.”

I looked out the window and saw that it was starting to rain. I figured that Mother Nature was taking care of the clean-up and wet shorts at the beach aren’t so unusual. Oh well — we just ordered lunch and all had a good laugh.

That night we met old friends to watch the sunset and enjoyed some delicious drinks and fun conversation before deciding it was time for us to go get some dinner. As we were leaving, we realized that Jack had once again left his mark. Going home to change him was a possibility but we were starving. Using the bathroom at the rather fancy location risked them knowing that what was spilled on a chair was not chardonnay. It was dark and nobody was in the parking lot so I handed Dan Jack’s bag and told him I would stand guard. Five minutes later we were on our way to dinner as if nothing had happened. We had another laugh.

People sometimes ask how we manage our complicated lives. Being a special family isn’t always easy, but if you can have a sense of humor and not fear a little pee, then you can do just about anything. AND Block Island – with all it’s magic, relaxed people, and dark parking lots – makes it that much easier!

We’re enjoying our last couple of days here on Block Island, then seeing friends in MA before heading back to reality. We’ve miss Anna, but this has been a wonderful week. Thank you PopPop and Sue!

Love, Jess

PS If anyone knows of adult diapers that actually work, please let us know🤪

Jack is 23!!!!!!!

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Jack is 23 and we are sure about that number because we celebrated a whole bunch! Lunches, dinners, pool parties, even a cooking class – our boy has been busy!!

There are a whole lot of photos to share and two videos that are sure to put a smile on your face. Enjoy!!!

We love you Jamilla!!!!!!😘

Love, Mom

PS We will see the Torrey family soon and will celebrate again. The party never ends!!!!

I need more time!

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I have never been busier. In fact, I have no business writing anything right now that does not require APA citations. I just need to rest my brain and am hoping that writing here will calm me.

The last five days have been wonderful but nuts! We’ve been to Tuxedo Park to hang with the Cappello Crew, hosted a dinner party, hosted a brunch, facilitated an ALD Caregiver’s call, written a 12-page paper digging deep into my cultural identity, listened to three lectures, read 73 pages of research articals (at least I said I read them), attended three classes, spent an hour at PT for my shoulder, completed forms for Jack’s adult program, completed forms for my internship, and made and canceled at least 5 doctor’s appointments.

In the next five days we are having my nephews and sister-in-law over for some fun, going to Tuxedo Park to hang with my folks and celebrate Jack’s birthday – while the family is boating and hiking and swimming, I will be going to NYU’s Virtual Emersion (hours and hours of intensive group therapy). On Saturday when I wrap up the Emersion, I log on the ALD Connect’s Bootcamp for Women with ALD. Sunday we are having Jack’s “other mothers and fathers” for some more birthday fun.

Jack turning 23, fascinating experiences in my MA program, a trip to my parent’s lovely new home, seeing friends and family – so much great stuff, just so little time to enjoy it. 

I need more time!!!!!!!

Okay – that did not work. My heart is now racing. Gotta run and put some clothes on so that I can log on to my class.

I promise to share photos of Jack’s birthday (and maybe a couple of me sitting at a desk with a box of tissues next to me).

Love, Jess